Simply the Best - Coletrain Year One
"I don't know you and I don't know how I got to this web site/blog thingy of yours. But I totally agree with you. Well said." - Anonymous
I used to hate writing in diaries and journals growing up. It was a lot of work, and I just couldn't be bothered to do it everyday. Even now as I look on my Senior Year journal from High School - it stands mostly empty, except for a few medals, pictures, and a note from me back in 1997 explaining why I never bothered to fill the damned thing out. Things changed in college. The days of going to school for a few hours and then going home to family, dinner, and sleep were over. My social life outside class went from zero to 24/7 and I was woefully unprepared for the amount of friends I would make, the girls I would get to know, and the sheer craziness of the adventures that awaited me. After four years of hard fought victories, overcome defeats, parties, women, and the spice of life - I realized that if I am not careful, I will soon forget everything I had experienced. I spoke to a mentor, and he of course suggested I keep a journal. Which I started to do. Another friend, the great Albert Meng, said that if I had a blog - he would read it. And one year and three more writers later, here we are.
I have a pretty solid group of friends, and we trade stories all the time. These stories are so wild and awesome, some of my guy friends use second hand stories to pick up women. (i.e. "Let me tell you about my friend Coletrain... and the shark"). Those kind of stories require a lot of animation to tell, and personally - I prefer to tell them face to face, rather than letting the world simply read them. I can describe online how I got shot at a shooting range, but I will get more mileage out of the story face to face. What I wanted to do online is give people a look into my life, a place in my circle of friends. Rather than explain inside jokes created amongst my friends, I create inside jokes with my online readers. When I am out and I go on a tirade about hot teachers sleeping with their students, my real friends wonder how I know so much about the subject - my readers know all too well. Being a Coletrain.org reader is not just a waste of company time, it is like you too are riding in the van that is going off the side of the road that is my life. Also I want to showcase my opinion and viewpoint on various issues of the day - and why those opinions and viewpoints are important. The world is not all T&A, no matter how much we pray for it to be so.
My readers also get to see my thoughts, viewpoints, and adventures discussed and analyzed by experts. SDYKMC's other writers - Miss Daisy, Nati, and MadAngler - are close friends of mine who both encouurage and cajole me and each other. This means that my greatest platitude of the week is going to be challenged, and I get to come back with a reason for why they can't recognize my greatness. It also means that once in a blue moon I get to check my own blog, and come to the realization that the funniest and most insightful post on a website that bares my name comes from one of my idiot friends. If that isn't inspiration to improve, I don't know what is. In other words, the quality of writing gets better everyday through competition - just like it should in a capitalist society.
And in the free enterprise system, the market recognizes the greatest and the best. By looking at comments, Google searches, and my own personal opinion I have listed the best Coletrain.org blog posts over the last 12 months - in no particular order. Surprisingly, they are not all written by me.
1. DEA Agent Lee Paige - Uhh, FUCK YOU.
This is the story of the DEA agent who shot himself in the foot in front of a bunch of kids. At least he didn't shoot the kids.
Key Quote - "You consider yourself an elite soldier for the nanny state, when in reality you and your peers are just idiots with guns."
2. Reno Sucks
The title says it all. Be sure to read the comments
from alleged Reno residents.
Key Quote - "The cabbie greets you with promises of hookers and gambling, but all I see is gambling."
3. Favre is way over-rated, but myth-making takes precedence in today's NFL....
Miss Daisy HATES Brett Favre, but Miss Daisy is also a Bears fan. This tirade is hilarious.
Key Quote - "Wow, Brett Favre is like a little kid out there, he loves this game. He roller skates with Jesus."
4. The Only College Ranking You Really Need
Honestly, this post is really short - but Nati's quote made
me fall out on the floor - literally, and pissed off quite a few people.
Key Quote - "...nothing can fix bitches, except maybe a gag, or some rohypnol."
5. Partying Like You're Special
This is another short post, but it made the cut again because of the below one liner. Some people think the story is bullshit based off their belief that no woman would apologize when it wasn't necessary. Hey, I'm just that good.
Key Quote - "We both agreed it was all her fault and she apologized"
6. Oh Where to Begin... Guns and the Panties of Miss Daisy
Political discussions generally aren't funny - especially when they deal with hot button issues like gun control. So to make it easier on my less politically active readers, I call Miss Daisy (a guy by the way) gay throughout the entire otherwise intelligent discussion. See how many gay references you can find.
Key Quote - "It is a crime to own a handgun in England, but people still get shot there."
7. You Too Can Be a Drug Rep Whore
Great post, and useful too. People have no idea how easy it is to get into those corporate/medical dinners.
Key Quote - "...there's always a free meal somewhere, so long as you keep your standards low and welcome brief lapses of shame."
8. Never Buy Strange Women Drinks
This is one of my many "game" related posts - and it is a classic. A must read for any man who ever spent money on a girl who didn't follow him home at the end of the night. A must read for any woman who wants to get a guy who is halfway decent. Incidentally, Frank Rich at Modern Drunkard Magazine disagrees with me.
Key Quote - "Then she said, “Come on; just cover an extra five bucks – you should pay for the pleasure of my company!”
9. Show Me Some Love Bitches! Yes sir!
Another game related post... it just goes to show how easy it is to have fun if you are willing to screw with people.
Key Quote - "...few things are more sexy than desperation."
10. Madtown Halloween Celebration - Too Wild!
My following in Wisconsin comes exclusively from this post. A great story about Halloween in Madison.
Key Quote - "Anytime a girl correctly uses "genre" in a sentence after 3am, she is not going to have sex."
Not Again!?!! - 37-Year Old Woman Arraigned For Screwing Kid
One of my many posts discussing women who have sex with their students or bang friends of their children.
Key Quote - "It's like the aborted fetus that is post-modern feminism survived the Contract With America and climbed out of the dumpster for all to see."
12. The Chicago White Sox...baseball's worst franchise
Another Miss Daisy rant - only it was posted right before the White Sox won the 2005 World Series. It is still hilarious.
Key Quote - "In 1993, 5 games out of first place, the management does the 'White Flag' trade and gives away the entire team for a 6-pack of warm Pabst Blue Ribbon."
13. Geena Davis - Outta Office
This is the post where I attack ABC's "Commander-in-Chief" and Brokeback Mountain. I am taking on all bums.
Key Quote - "Heath Ledger is not a good actor, I don't care what you put in his ass."
14. Bill Cowher & the Pittsburgh Politburo
A short and funny post comparing Bill Cowher and Josef
Stalin. The resemblance is clear.
Key Quote - "The Steelers represent blue-collar proletarians who despise Seattle bourgeois yuppies. The Soviets, well, same thing."
15. Hail Free Booze!
This is the story of my adventure at the Grand Opening of
the Fox Sports Grill at Atlantic Station here in Atlanta. It also includes
a guide for you to get free booze too! My altruism knows no bounds.
Key Quote - "I had a nice time talking to a chick who had the ass of a hot black woman and the waist of an anorexic piece of wheat."